pupa*

*def: the stage between larva and adult for many insects.

So I'm in the pupa stage. Or at least it feels that way. The work I'm doing, the decisions I'm making, and the people I'm meeting all move me towards that "adult" stage and it feels good but it doesn't feel quite like it fits just yet.

At what point am I an adult? Just because I'm (well) over 18? Because I own my car? Because I teach? I don't really know. The word "adult" has always seemed synonymous with mortgage, sod 'n' decks, and having babies. Nowhere do I recall "financially-challenged grad. student" as part of the definition. While logically I know that there will be an end to this dissertation and that, technically, I have no limitations right now, I can't help but feel stunted.

Last night, though, there was a difference. While having gelato at a nice place in downtown Windsor, we watched (and heard) the 19-year-old drunkards stumbling to various bars wearing far too little clothing. At that point I saw a version of my old self and was glad that I wasn't there anymore. I was happy to figure out that "Anne" was the third Bronte sister, enjoyed discussing my dissertation project, and was grateful that I had wool mittens to put on when we left. And, I was relaxed. I guess that's a sign. I felt more like myself than I have in a long time. Finally. So, while I may think that I'm in the pupa stage, maybe I'm finding my own version of the adult stage. And, I quite like it. It's mine. And it's comfortable.

(With special thanks to J. for a really good evening, and to S. and D. for the gelato spot).